Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Mr. Simon Grumpy Pants

Simon Cowell is on my sh*&^# list tonight, y'all. Who does he think he is?!? We'll get to more of that little grump later. Dolly Parton is the guest tonight, giving her sage advice to the 9 wee ones. Man, that girl is one big blob of silicone. I can't look at her for too long because I start to get creeped out. Let's get started:
1) Brooke White: I'm now going to refer to Brooke as Teacher's Pet. She performs an acoustic version of "Jolene", a song I absolutely love, & does just alright. Not over the moon about it. Randy was not wowed & neither was Simon. But the kicker was when Brooke complimented Paula on her hair. Has it come to this, Brooke? Complimenting Paula, of all people, on her hair? Hells Bells. And Paula says, "You're just...Brooke White." Why, yes, Paula. She is. Maybe because that's her name.
2) David Cook: He does something about a sparrow & does really well. I definitely didn't like it as much as last week, but hey, I'll take it. Randy liked it, so did Paula, but Simon was down about it. Shocker.
3) Ramiele: The only redeeming thing about her performance was the fact that she wasn't wearing stirrup pants. Thank God. One more thing, Ramiele: You need to invest in a how-to-interview class. You are perhaps the worst interviewee in the history of time. Quit sounding like a toddler. Lincoln can carry on a better conversation than you can.
4) Jason Castro: Go smoke another, Mary Jane Jason. Is it just me or does he seem completely high every single week? There should be a cloud of smoke that follows him around. His performance made me snore out loud.
5) Carly Smithson: This is when Simon really chaps me. Carly does "Here You Come Again" & totally kicks A double S. Randy & Paula loved it, while Mr. I-Hate-Country-Music says it wasn't great & that she should get a different stylist. Whoa, Simon. You're skating on thin ice. You're treading in dangerous water. I hope you get my point with all the threatening phrases. We're going to sit here & listen to your fashion advice?! The man who only wears tight knit black sweaters? I think not. Carly looks amazing & her hair kills this week. She has never sounded nor looked better than tonight. Simon, you & me need to have a heart-to-heart over coffee. Let's meet at Tootsie's in downtown Nashville. I'm sure you'll love that.
6) David Archuletta: THIS JUST IN!! David does a ballad this week! Oh wait, I'm sorry, he does a ballad every week. How predictable. Dolly thinks David really has what it takes to make it. Then she holds back the tears while he rehearses with her. But she can't full-out cry because her fake eyelashes will fall off. What else can fall off, Dolly? Boobs, lips, nose, chin, hair, thighs, & tummy? What's going to be left of you? Little Davie does "Smoky Mountain Memories" & I'm not impressed. If David is going to get my vote (but let's be real, folks...I don't ever vote, but I can still rant & rave), he needs to crawl out of his comfort zone of slow pop songs that he tries to make his own. I'm bored out of my David-Cook-sized skull with this performance. Randy thought it was the best performance of the night, Paula thought his "aura was good", & Simon thought this week he was on the money. I'm so pissed.
7) Clever Kristy: She does "Coat of Many Colors"...a wise song choice again. I think dear Kristy jumped back in time to 1985. She needs to take a straightener to her hair pronto. The perm look is not in. She sounds good obviously, because she is most comfortable singing country. But I think she maybe could've chosen a better song for her voice. Randy thought it was definitely her wheelhouse (whatever that means Dawg), Paula thought she looked stunning, & Simon thought this was pleasant but forgettable. Is it weird that Ryan knows what a French pedicure is? Hhmmm.. And Krisy blows a kiss to Simon & says "I love you!"...what's that about? I get the feeling that she thinks the flirty banter will increase her chances of sticking around. Not a chance.
8) Syesha: She does "I Will Always Love You" & cries for the camera. I have no idea why. To sing a song done by both Dolly Parton & Whitney Houston is maybe the dumbest decision ever. Ohh, she should not be wearing her hair up. She changes the melody & I don't like the arrangement. Whoever is Syesha's stylist needs to be crowned this year's American Idol. That dress is unbelievable. She holds the last note WAAAAAAAY too long. For a second there, I thought my DVR was skipping. Randy says is best. We can't listen to that song without hearing its original performers. Simon thought it was good, but not fantastic.
9) Michael Jons: He wins the award for Sexiest Performance of the evening. He is wearing a Hugh Hefner-esque suit tonight, what with the scarf all tied up & tucked inside his shirt. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He takes a Dolly song & makes it all his own. He does really great & I'm crushing on Michael tonight. Randy thought it was blazing, Paula says something crazy & then my DVR shuts off. So I guess that's the end of this post.
Tune in tomorrow night for the results post.
You're grounded, Simon.