Tuesday, April 29, 2008

a diamond is forever...

and Neil has been alive for what looks like forever. And let me not forget that he also sounds like he has something along the lines of throat cancer, or laryngitis, or something weird going on with his voice. Why is it so scratchy? Is that just because he's 100 years old? Maybe. He actually looks pretty good for his age. So here we are, down to the Final Five-o. Let's chew the fat:
P.S. Paula must have gotten the memo that tonight is Prom Night. She's got a crazy up-do & is wearing a weird ruffle-ey strapless dress. All that's missing is her corsage.

Jason Castro: He sings "Forever in Blue Jeans" & does not wow me in the slightest. He makes faces when he hits his high notes like they're pretty high, when in actuality, they're really not that high at all. It seems like he has about a 5-note range. Gotta love the teenagers who vote for him strictly for his dreds & could not care less about his voice. That's exactly how Carly got kicked off last week. Please vote wisely, kids. Randy thought it was "just OK". Paula loved hearing his lower register (what lower register?) & then SNAP!!! Oh no she didn't. She must really be at her prom because she's already drunk & has completely lost her mind. She gave Jason her thoughts about both songs when he had only done one song. Thank God this is live TV because I would've been so pissed if they edited that junk out. Oh, just when I think it can't get any better, FOX fills Paula's flask a little fuller. Simon thought it was forgettable.

David Cook: Wow, I was just given way too much information from Ryan-AAAAAAAAA-merican-Idol-Seacrest. Although let's all be honest with ourselves: are we at all surprised that he used to sing in front of the mirror with a hairbrush to Neil Diamond? Surely not. And when I say 'used to', I really mean last night.
When David rehearsed the song, Neil got goose bumps. That right there should get him through to next week. David does "I'm Alive" & does great. But I'm pulling for the sweetie pie, so of course I'm gonna give him props. Randy thought he was in the zone & very strong. Paula-too dumb to write a review. Simon-above average.

Brooke White: Does "I'm a Believer" on guitar. She looks like she's wound up so tight, she might explode from her nervousness. This does not make me like her. Her pants are from Satan himself. Is that glitter or sequins painted on them? I choose not to look anymore. She does another whoop & holler during her song which makes me want to strangle myself with her guitar strap. She does OK playing guitar, but I'm not so hot with her singing. Not wowed yet again. We'll see how her second ditty goes. Randy thought it was too karaoke. Jesus heard my plea. Paula-again, too dumb. Simon-nightmare. True dat.

David Archuletta: Is his usual blubbering self around Neil. Lots of giggles, airy breathing, & awkward moments. This cat chooses to do "Sweet Caroline". He pops it up even more than humanly possible, & the girls go wild. Ooohhh, I'm so over this guy. Randy thinks he's da bomb. Simon-Amateurish. I'm totally in love with Simon tonight because we are in agreement. Maybe we're really meant to be together after all.

Syesha: Girlfriend does "Hello Again". Neil Diamond acts like he might have a crushy-crush on Syesha. Hmmm...didn't see that one coming. Syesha was obviously reading my mind this week when I was thinking what she would look like if she used a straightener on her hair. Thank you mind-reader. Her hair does look bad to the bone tonight. Randy thought she was in the zone, while Simon thought it was old fashioned.

Then Simon goes all parenthood on them & gives them a quick lecture on being Top-Five material. You tell 'em.


Jason Castro: "September Morn"...wait, I just woke up...what just happened? I woke myself up snoring, that's how bored I was. Randy thought it was just OK, Paula thought he was choosing safe songs, & Simon thought he wasn't himself.

David Cook: He does "All I Really Need is You" & sounds delicious. Randy thought it was blazin, Paula was so proud of him, & Simon thought it was brilliant. Wahoo!!! Well done sweetheart. Is it weird that I'm calling him terms of endearment when I've never met him? Probably. But I'm gonna keep on keepin on.

Brooke White: She got her feelings hurt because Simon said it was a nightmare. It's time to man up, Brookie. She does a piano song that actually sounds a lot better than her first song. I keep getting more awkward for her every single week. Yes, we probably all realized that her ending note was completely off. But does she really need to say that she hit a bad note after the last piano note was played? It's like she's constantly stuck in the confessional room on the Real World. She's always saying what mistakes she made, what she thinks, how she can agree with everyone, yada yada yada. Enough is enough.
Randy thought it was good, Paula thought it worked, & Simon thought it was the Brooke that he liked. She was lost, but now she's found.

David Archuletta: Sings "America" & I'm thanking God that Ben isn't here to see this blasted mess. He would be fighting mad at his rendition. Does David listen to Mix102.9 all day every day? Does he sit around & dream about how to screw up a song? I didn't realize I was watching 40-Something-Woman-Idol...I was under the impression that this was American Idol. Randy thought he was in the zone, Paula thought it was the perfect song for him (have another), & Simon thought it was a clever song choice.

Syesha: Does "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime" & I'm completely entertained. I think she needs to do musical theater. She brought the house down. Randy thought she was great, Paula thought she was good at both songs, & Simon thinks she's a good actress/singer, although she may be in trouble.

OK here's my bottom two:

Jason Castro

I'm crossing my fingers & toes that Brooke gets the hell outta here this week.
Meet me tomorrow night & we'll talk about it.