Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Down to the Top 9

What in the hellfire is going on with Allison's hair & outfit tonight? Looks like nothin' but crazy.
Tonight is Top 40 Night.

Anoop: Sings an Usher song & totally tries to be Usher in every way. Ew, gross. I hate this performance. He is trying to be super sexy & a good dancer. Neither is working. Failing miserably, actually. He keeps giving the camera a weird scowl/I'm-sexy-look. Sexy you are NOT, Noop. Kara thought he did the song from a dare from some frat guys. Anoop looks shocked! Camera shot to said frat boys in the audience cheering Anoop on.

Megan: I'm choosing to call her Maggie b/c I think it fits her better. Her outfit is spankin' tonight, y'all. That turquoise strapless number is freakin' great. She looks waaaay more at-ease doing this style of song than last week's selection. Let's not be reminded of last week's debacle. One thing though: I think we will be seeing strapless numbers on Maggie all season long. Girlfriend loves her tats, doesn't she? Loves to show 'em off.
Kara keeps slamming her fists down on the table & it's annoying. Paula & Simon have something weird going on tonight. What's going on there between them? Paula thought she should have sat on a stool & ripped the hearts out of everyone. Simon said all the things he liked about her are disappearing. Awwwww....
Yikes, Maggie got ripped to shreds tonight. Poor thing.

Danny: Does "What Hurts the Most' by the Flatts. It sounds like he chose to do the song in too high of a key. But hey, ya know what? He has a voice that I really root for. I want him to hit those high notes, & every time I think "oh man, he's gonna crack"...he doesn't. This wasn't a fabulous performance, however. A few notes sounded kinda off. But I still love his voice. He's got mad skills. WORD.

Allison: Anybody out there watch Ni Hao, Tai Lan? Lincoln watches it every day, & Allison's reminding me of the little animated characters on that show. It's the spiky hair & obnoxious clothes. I mean, really Allison. Get some sense. The real kind & the fashion kind. She sounds OK, not a huge fan of it. None of the judges seemed to like her ensemble. I think Paula got a thesaurus this weekend! "Masterful", "prowess", "intonation", she's using words she's never heard of...

Scott: Must we go through this every week? This is torture. The only redeeming thing about this performance is his haircut. That needed to be done 4 weeks ago. The rat's nest is gone, ladies & gentlemen. But it's still not right. I need my earplugs, stat.

My Baby: I think this is Matt's worst performance I've heard so far in this competition. Someone tell me why he chose this song, puh-leeze. It just doesn't fit his voice. There's no blues in it, no soul in it. He's trying to be a rocker & he came across as trying too hard. None of the judges liked it & thought it was the wrong-o song choice.

Lil': I think I might vomit. Celine!? First things first--Did Lil' just move onto Wisteria Lane? Her hair cut is so conservative & housewife-ish. Please bake me a casserole & bring it to Bunco. Her rubies look good in that blue dress, but she needs some SPANX for her backside. Eek.

Adam: It's the return of The Tongue tonight, sicko. This was my favorite performance of Adam's, bar none. He killed it. Killed it. I'm starting to dig Adam, all except for his monster tongue wagging every which way. Kara says it was like Studio 57. Isn't it Studio 54?

Kris: He plays "Ain't No Sunshine" on piano. I really love how the stage is laid out during his performance. The strings & back-up singers are all around him which is intimately cool. I like it. He does really great. Kara got so excited I thought she was gonna fall off her chair. All the judges loved it. Way to go, Guy-Who-Will-No-Longer-Be-Married-After-This-Idol-Thing.

The person who I think will go is Matt (only because he's been in the bottom 3 lately). But the person who I think SHOULD go is Scott. Seriously, it's time.

Get to voting, all you citizens,

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Friday, March 27, 2009

Riff-Raff your way on out, Michael

As you all know, Michael got kicked off last night. Woot woot. I was happy about that decision. But here's the question of the day. How in the sam-hill did my baby get in the bottom 3? Man up, America. I might just have to throw a hissy-fit if this happens again next week. And nobody wants that.

Oh yeah, did anyone notice my new booty-shakin' song upon opening my blog? Black-Eyed Peas' new song. I like it. It gives me something to shake it to in the mornings when I'm getting ready. It makes Ben want to bang his head against the wall. (not my booty shakes, but the song itself...duh)

Until next time, sweeties.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Holy Tu-Tu!

We open up tonight's show with the drunk prancing out onto the stage with a tu-tu on. Ohhh, this is gonna be a good night everybody. She says she wants to "see the contestants challenge their artistic integrity." Deep.

It's the music of Motown tonight & we start off with some Smoky Robinson & Barry Gordy. Did y'all know that Smoky Robinson was on Days of Our Lives last year? Yup, he made a cameo in the soap world. He appeared to Marlena in the log cabin after her amnesia & after she had been brainwashed by the evil doctor. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

My Baby-Sweet-Baby: Mattie sings "Let's Get It On" on the piano. Let's.
I am totally loving Matt's ensemble choice tonight. Nice cardie, excellent tie, cool jeans, & honey voice. I think Ben & I may have to separate.

Kris Allen: Sings "How Sweet It Is", & apparently he blows Smoky away. Whaaa?!? Smoky, quit smokin'. I thought it was alright, not great. Basically pretty average. I honestly think I can walk through downtown Nashville, & find about 10 Kris Allens. Dime-a-dozen. But all 4 judges really liked him. I guess I'm wrong...or maybe I'm right & nobody knows it yet.

Scott: Royal Caribbean Cruise. Finally, someone is starting to tell the truth...thank you Simon. Scott, you have a stinky voice.

During the in-between time, Paula decides to bend down underneath the table to get something from her mini-bar...er, I mean to get some crayons & a coloring book for Simon. This is quickly turning into a sort of weird, slightly uncomfortable variety show. But then it gets even worse when she tells Ryan that she has something else hiding...but it's under her skirt. Holy Mary & Joseph, Paula needs a pink slip.

Megan: What is Megan wearing tonight? Awful. She's got a crazy up-do that looks like it's being drowned in hair spray. But I do like the flower tucked in there. I feel like she's way over-singing this song borderline on screaming at us. Do y'all think so? Eek, I hate this performance. Looks can only take you so far...

Anoop-Dawg: Oh dear, there are so many pitchy things going on. This is torture. Waiting, waiting, slow as molasses, I'd rather watch paint dry...

Michael: He puts way too many riffs in this song. Every single phrase has a trick through it. This makes me pissed. I'm trying to figure out why he's still here. Is it that he's the quintessential picture of the American Dream? The oil-rig token blue-collar worker living out his dream of going to Hollywood & making it all come true? I dunno. Simon couldn't wait for it to end & told Michael he had no chance of winning. OMG, Simon! Shame on you & the things you say. That's why I heart you, though.

Lil': Sings "Heat Wave" & sounds crazy good. Whoa, Lil! She's not scared to look sexy hot tonight. Her dress is so sassy. I had a good time watching her perform because I have faith that she will make all the notes. I don't have that confidence in anyone in this competition except for her. I can sort of relax when I watch her because there's no fear that she'll collapse or crack. But the judges didn't really like it very much. I think she'll get through though.

What-Will-He-Do-Next-Adam: Every time he gets on stage, I get kinda scared. It looks like Adam has dressed up as Elvis tonight, what with that slicked-back hair. I think he does a good job with the song. I was happy to see Adam get a bit more low-key, rather than go crazy like he usually does. Smoky gives him a standing-O. And so does Kara. Simon thought it was the best performance of the night.

Danny: I gotta tell you guys, I'm liking Danny's voice more & more with each week. He does amazing & is really great with the crowd. Of course, I'm totally rooting for Mattie, but Danny's a close second. My favorite part of his performance? When he ran to the back of the stage with his back-up singers & did the dance with them. How cute was that?!? Awesome, Danny.

Allison: She sounds good with this song. And she looks really cute tonight, too. Randy thought it was blazin' hot, Kara thought it was amazing, Paula gives her comments with a colored-on mustache, & Simon thought she was a survivor. OK, I have something to say. It seems like after Adam performed, the judges could not have cared less about the remaining contestants. They're in a fast time crunch, they're acting stupid silly, & their comments are kinda random...just like they're tired of being up there & commenting. It kinda cheapens the whole thing, in a way. That may sound crazy, but hey--sometimes I'm just a crazy gal.

OK I think Michael will be the one to go. Lordy, I hope so.
Smoke on, Smoky..

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

the older you get, the better you get

I turned 31 yesterday. Thirty One. Thirty Frickin' One. I have been doing a Monday morning step/weights class for the past 5 weeks. Each Monday, I have to stop at some point in the middle of the class because it has been way wicked hard. We're talking, stand on top of the step for 16 counts, while everybody else continues stepping & lifting, because the teacher is kicking my butt all over the YMCA. BTW, my teacher is 50 years old. That was no typo, boss. She's the big 5-0. She turned 50 earlier this month & the class made a big to-do over it. I nearly threw up when I found out...you mean to tell me a 50 year-old woman has been beating me? So yesterday when I woke up, I thought to myself, "I'm 31 years old today. I'll be damned if a 50 year-old aerobics instructor is going to beat me today. I will keep up." I told this to Ben, & he simply said, "You are so funny sometimes." Then he quickly followed that up with, "Baby, you can do it." Awww.

So in I went. I planted my step directly behind Connie's (the teacher) step. That way, I could see her feet making every move & just the thought of the possibility of stopping during her class would embarrass the bejeezus out of me so much because I would have nowhere to look but at her booty, just steppin' away, acting like the work-out wasn't even phasing her. Y'all. I totally made it! Midway through, I was cursing like the devil at the step, the wall, the mirror, the girl next to me, anyone or anything really. But whew, what a great work-out it was. And it made it all the more satisfying because it was my birthday & I did what I claimed I would do. Yay for me, the 31 year-old. I went up to Connie & said, "I finally made it through your class. I turn 31 today & my goal was to get through." She turned to me, let out a huge belly laugh with her head back, & joyfully exclaimed, "The older you get, the better you get!"

Cheers to that,

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Grand Ole Opry

Yay for tonight because I love country music! I'm not a huge fan of Randy Travis, mainly because he sings through his nose all the time. Bleh. But I think he's a sweet guy, nevertheless.

Let's bootscoot:

Michael: Sings Garth's "Ain't Going Down Til the Sun Comes Up", and whew, holy-words-so-many-words. Why would he do that to himself? I don't really think the song showed off his voice very much. I got totally out of breath while I watched him. I don't think I took a breath during the whole song because I was wondering how he was doing it. I didn't like his rendition, but it sounded like the entire audience loved it to pieces.

Kara's wearing a gross dangly necklace tonight. It's fugly. And she's also wearing a dress that closely resembles foil. But surprise! Paula looks great tonight...who woulda thought?!?

Allison: Sings a Patty Loveless song, & she immediately tells us to "come on, y'all!" Didn't you learn anything from last week, Missie? Don't tell me what to do while you sing. Allison looks really cute tonight...I want that leather jacket. She's over-singing this song by a mile.

Kris: Sings "To Make You Feel My Love". Wanna know how many weddings I have played guitar & sang this song in? Lotsa. I luuuuuv this song to bits. Which goes with one of my ultimate fave movies "Hope Floats." His version is way too slow for my liking, & frankly, I'm a little bored. Simon thought it was terrific. I'm not seeing Kris's wife in the audience. Did he lock her up this week & throw away the key?

Lil: Sings "Independence Day". Lil is wearing a kickass dress tonight. I'm totally loving her eighties style with the big ruffle in front. And I hate hot pink, but I'll overlook it tonight. She sounds horrible! Absolutely wretched. Gurrrl, this week did not treat you well. I thought it was so pitchy. Simon calls her "Little", which makes me pee my pants.

Adam: Edward Scissorhands chooses to sing "Ring of Fire" in a middle-eastern style. Adam, when the judges put restraints on you & say it's "COUNTRY" week, please respect that. Don't make us all suffer because you're too much of a whimp to suck it up & just learn to sing country. Poor Randy Travis! I think he was offended that Adam would choose to mess up a Cash song like that. Adam is wearing a silver jacket that looks like it just dropped out of a space ship. June! Johnny! Are you on your bellies in your graves yet?

Scott: Boo. Grody.

Alexis: Sweetie, the pink must go. Quickly. Do not tarry. She sounded so bad that I was actually rooting for Jolene to win this one. And I also think that with that short haircut, she looks kinda like a 40 year-old business woman who tried to dress up fancy. Paula said she doesn't care about pitch problems. Well, then what the hay-hay are we all doing here? Do you know where you are, or are you judging another show that we all know nothing about?

Danny: He totally screws up his rehearsal with Randy Travis, & got me all giggly. Danny's wearing an Eskimo suit tonight! Did he just fly in from northern Alaska? Brrrr....it's cold on that stage. There were parts of the song that were really great; there were other moments that were OTT (over-the-top).

Anoop: I just figured out who Anoop reminds me of. He reminds me of the dude in "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle". I was pleasantly surprised by Anoop's performance tonight. He sounded really good! Simon says he just went from zero to hero. Ha, what a funny guy.

Megan: Apparently, we have just entered Boobie Town. I can totally see through her dress, & I'm not very comfortable with this. but hey-if you got 'em, flaunt 'em. Her make-up looks amazing, her hair is unreal, but I wasn't a big fan of the song itself. I'm gonna blame it on the flu.

My Love: I have the car running, I have a white dress on, & I'm driving to California to swing by & pick you up. We're going to get married.

Maybe Alexis or Scott will be the one(s) to go? We'll find out together tomorrow night.

Ain't goin' down til the sun comes up...

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Friday, March 13, 2009

Ugh, Chicken Pox.

Lincoln has the chicken pox. We're quarantined in this godforsaken house for a few days. Please pray that Levi doesn't get it.
A pox upon you,

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The next hour will change lives...

Ryan! You make me want to jump off a cliff, what with your menacing threats & surprises each week. I'm done with you. Doood.

They introduce a new rule, which I think is utter bunk. Something about saving a contestant, it having to be unanimous, 2 contestants being eliminated, & then I zoned out after that. Look Ryan, I'm going to tell you this once. And only once. I am your average viewer. I tune in every week, & I like to blog about such viewings. But once you start putting rules on me as a viewer, as an individual who votes every week (OK, I really don't vote every week, but I lie every now & then...) & put boundaries around my watching this stupid show as a recreation...that's where I draw a big black line. The line has been drawn, White-Teeth-Seacrest. I don't take orders from anyone. Ever. OK, except from Ben. But that's an entirely different blog altogether. What I'm trying to say is, I don't like taking orders from someone at Fox, thinking he's my Boss-Man. Don't cage me. I ain't no lion. So there.

Dim the lights, here we go. It comes down to Jasmine & Megan. Megan is safe, yay! Jasmine sings another song (yawn) & then cries in front of the entire nation. Pull it together, woman. She is sent packing.

Kanye comes in & sings for us all. I've got a little some'm some'm for my man West. Half of me thinks he's the dumbest idiot alive; the other part of me thinks maybe that idiocy is pure genius. It's a daily struggle. I lu-huv his music, but then I hear him say something like, "O.J. Simpson...amazing!" which makes me want to jump ship. So who knows? Tonight I'm gonna call myself a K-Fan. He sings "Heartless", a song I love because my little man L-Train claps & screams when it comes on the radio. I don't know how I feel about the dirty dish towel on his back pocket, but other than that, I'm game. He's sexy tonight.

It comes down to Anoop & Wonk-Eye. But during this, my girl Kelly comes on stage & I'm smitten. A smitten kitten. She sings "My Life Would Suck Without You" (which is Lincoln's favorite song today, incidentally...he knows every word). I'm trying to pinpoint what it is with Kelly's voice that makes me love it so much. It's kinda hoarse, kinda smoky, & kinda sounds like she always has a cold, all wrapped up into one. I'm in luuuuuuv with it. Kel, my life would totally suck without you.

Anoop gets through, while Wonk-Eye gets held back. So long, Wonk. I'm really gonna miss your ridiculously strong accent & your gimp eye. Adios, muchacho.

And to all you other friends, hasta luego. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
Let's have as much fun next week.

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Let's talk some crazy!

I'm here, I'm here! Let's get down to the bare bones of this mass charade that we're undeniably hooked on. Hooked? That's a little too strong of a word for this season. Maybe I should instead use the term 'mildly interested if nothing else is on'. Yeah, that's about right. As my friend Christina puts it, "wild card, shmild card." Take that, freakshows.

Paula! You pulled out the feathers for this one! Every get-up seems to get worse with each week. All 4 judges do the catwalk down the runway & they love every minute of it. The crowd goes wild. I'm bored. Seacrest needs powder in a major way tonight. His face looks like an oil spill.

Lil kicks it off with "The Way You Make Me Feel", & whoops & hollers. She looks really great tonight; looks amazing in pale pink. I usually hate it when singers tell me what to do during a performance, i.e. "Come on y'all!", "Get off your feet!"--but I kinda like it when Lil does it. She seems really at-ease with the song & the crowd, & I think she does awesome. All the judges loved it, & Paula said it was like "angels singing." Whatev. Simon thought it was lazy. You're lazy. It took you 8 seasons to walk down the stage. I mean, really.

Scott: Sings "Keep the Faith" & he plays piano with this one. I'm gonna be honest here. I hate Scott's voice. Period. I think he should've been gone 2 weeks ago.

Danny: OMG, can I please join Danny's family? I love the fact that they make up stupid songs about going to school, cleaning up, & whatever else. What a cute fam. He sings PYT, & yells a lot. But I like his growl/yell. Does he kinda sound like Michael McDonald? I think so tonight. And whaddya know, Mr. Cowell just echoed my statement of Mr. McDonald. Am I smart, or am I smart? Or am I smart? That's me, Smarty Pants.

Michael: His performance was about as exciting as those oil rig guys. His voice sounded good, but way too many runs for my taste.

Jasmine: She sings "I'll Be There". She looks pretty tonight, but oh, does she look nervous or what? So scared. She was very pitchy, too. Whew.

Chris: He takes a Michael Jackson song & attempts to John Mayer it up. I guess he gives it his own spin, but I'm not loving it. Everyone seemed to love it, especially Paula, who said he was "adorable sexy." Awkward... But something else awkward? Simon saying he shouldn't have brought out the wife so early.

Allison: Girl can wail. But every song she sings, it pretty much all sounds the same. Remember Overmyer last season? My feelings are the same about Allison. It is hard to believe that she's only 16 years old. Job well done.

Anoop: Sings "Beat It". Hey, while you're singing Anoop, just beat me too. Because that's the worst song choice you can ever make. Maybe I should run a school.

Jorge: I will now refer to this guy as Wonk Eye. Something's wrong there, that's all I'm sayin'.

Megan: Hippie-Chick sang "Rockin' Robin" & I liked it. It's such a cheesy song, but it sounded better because a) she's a good singer; and b) the song sounds different when a girl with tattoos is singing it. I know that sounds weird, but it changes the dynamic of the song when the singer is soooo not "rockin' robin' style.

Adam Lambert: He sings "Black or White" & of course, sang the snot out of it, so over-the-top. He belongs somewhere, that's for sure. Is it American Idol? Me no think so. Broadway? Me thinks yes. Paula gets so worked up she can barely keep her dress on. Adam keeps reminding me of someone but I'm not quite sure who. When it comes to my mind, I'll let you know. I think Paula just had a shot of something because she's going crazy up there. Kara hopes Michael Jackson is watching this tonight. I'm hoping Michael Jackson didn't invite the neighborhood kids over to his house to watch it. Ew.

Matt-Love-Him: He sings "Human Nature" & plays piano. His voice. Makes me happy. So very happy.

Alexis: She sings "Dirty Diana" & sounds pretty good. There was too much yelling. It feels like I've been saying that a lot about a lot of people lately. Am I just getting old & can't take the noise? How depressing.

I have no idea how many people they will vote off tomorrow night, but if I'm going to make a call (and you know I will), I will say that Jasmine & Wonk-Eye will go.

Seacrest. Out.

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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Happy 4th Birthday Lincoln! (Belated)

Monday was Lincoln's 4th birthday. We woke him up in the morning & said, "Happy Birthday! You're 4 today!" He looked down at his body & inhaled deeply. Then he exclaimed, "Wow! How did that happen?"

We had a big bash for him at Chuck E. Cheese that evening with all of his friends. He had an awesome time, & it was great having his friends there, Ben's parents there (thank you thank you thank you!) & our friends all being in one place. It was a sweet time of celebration and joy. Here are some photos of the night:

This is Judah, AKA Lincoln's best friend from school. They adore each other. And this is Judah's mom, Jennifer. Such a doll.

Everyone eating pizza & waiting for Chuck E. Cheese to make his entrance:

Awww...Liam was excited to see Levi. So excited that he gave him a love pat right on his face. So cute!

Maren & Slade Spencer, our dear friends' Leslie & Dan's kids (and Luke too, but not pictured here!):

L-Train riding with Chuck for the first time. He was excited about it, for about 2 seconds...and then he wanted to eat pizza for the next hour and a half. What a hoss.

Lincoln digging into his Shrek cake. It really was a very cool cake. He thought it was totally cool to just dip his finger into the entire cake & take off a huge bite of frosting. Fine by me.

Lincoln dancing with Chuck E. Cheese:

The Three Musketeers. Lincoln, Judah, & Emmachelle. Emmachelle wore her Dr. Seuss hat the entire time of the party because as everyone knows, March 2 is also Dr. Seuss's birthday. What a little cutie. She's the only girl in their class at school, & has been for the past 3 years.

A big hug for Chuck:

It was such a fun night, & we are thankful for good friends & family. Ben's parents were here for the festivities, & we can't imagine throwing the party without their help! They completely took care of Levi the entire time, feeding him & taking care of him...while we played with Lincoln & got things squared away with all the guests. Thank you Mike & Sherry! We love y'all.

Hard to believe that my firstborn is 4 years old already. In some ways I'm so happy about it, but in other ways I'm a little sad. Just a smidge. But I'm glad his newborn days are over, & we can now have a conversation in which he completely understands what I'm saying & is just growing up before my very eyes. I'm so happy he's mine. Happy Birthday, Linc. We love you, bub.

OK, let's talk about this for a sec. American Idol...I can't believe I'm saying this, but take note for certain: I'm over it. Yup yup, sorry I may be disappointing a few of you, but 'tis true. I fast-forwarded through all the songs after their first verse was sung, & then sailed through the judges' comments. The only redeeming thing about last night's results was that my sweetie Matt was brought back for the random & 'let's-pull-in-more-viewers' Wild Card episode which airs tonight. I'll be watching only for him because he's my favorite. What's up with the Wild Card stuff? Did the producers finally realize that the talent this year is completely subpar & waaaaay below previous years? They should call me & ask my opinion.

Y'all have a good weekend. We're going to St. Louis for Mike's retirement party. Yay! Should be a fun time.
Oodles of love.

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