Let's talk some crazy!

I'm here, I'm here! Let's get down to the bare bones of this mass charade that we're undeniably hooked on. Hooked? That's a little too strong of a word for this season. Maybe I should instead use the term 'mildly interested if nothing else is on'. Yeah, that's about right. As my friend Christina puts it, "wild card, shmild card." Take that, freakshows.

Paula! You pulled out the feathers for this one! Every get-up seems to get worse with each week. All 4 judges do the catwalk down the runway & they love every minute of it. The crowd goes wild. I'm bored. Seacrest needs powder in a major way tonight. His face looks like an oil spill.

Lil kicks it off with "The Way You Make Me Feel", & whoops & hollers. She looks really great tonight; looks amazing in pale pink. I usually hate it when singers tell me what to do during a performance, i.e. "Come on y'all!", "Get off your feet!"--but I kinda like it when Lil does it. She seems really at-ease with the song & the crowd, & I think she does awesome. All the judges loved it, & Paula said it was like "angels singing." Whatev. Simon thought it was lazy. You're lazy. It took you 8 seasons to walk down the stage. I mean, really.

Scott: Sings "Keep the Faith" & he plays piano with this one. I'm gonna be honest here. I hate Scott's voice. Period. I think he should've been gone 2 weeks ago.

Danny: OMG, can I please join Danny's family? I love the fact that they make up stupid songs about going to school, cleaning up, & whatever else. What a cute fam. He sings PYT, & yells a lot. But I like his growl/yell. Does he kinda sound like Michael McDonald? I think so tonight. And whaddya know, Mr. Cowell just echoed my statement of Mr. McDonald. Am I smart, or am I smart? Or am I smart? That's me, Smarty Pants.

Michael: His performance was about as exciting as those oil rig guys. His voice sounded good, but way too many runs for my taste.

Jasmine: She sings "I'll Be There". She looks pretty tonight, but oh, does she look nervous or what? So scared. She was very pitchy, too. Whew.

Chris: He takes a Michael Jackson song & attempts to John Mayer it up. I guess he gives it his own spin, but I'm not loving it. Everyone seemed to love it, especially Paula, who said he was "adorable sexy." Awkward... But something else awkward? Simon saying he shouldn't have brought out the wife so early.

Allison: Girl can wail. But every song she sings, it pretty much all sounds the same. Remember Overmyer last season? My feelings are the same about Allison. It is hard to believe that she's only 16 years old. Job well done.

Anoop: Sings "Beat It". Hey, while you're singing Anoop, just beat me too. Because that's the worst song choice you can ever make. Maybe I should run a school.

Jorge: I will now refer to this guy as Wonk Eye. Something's wrong there, that's all I'm sayin'.

Megan: Hippie-Chick sang "Rockin' Robin" & I liked it. It's such a cheesy song, but it sounded better because a) she's a good singer; and b) the song sounds different when a girl with tattoos is singing it. I know that sounds weird, but it changes the dynamic of the song when the singer is soooo not "rockin' robin' style.

Adam Lambert: He sings "Black or White" & of course, sang the snot out of it, so over-the-top. He belongs somewhere, that's for sure. Is it American Idol? Me no think so. Broadway? Me thinks yes. Paula gets so worked up she can barely keep her dress on. Adam keeps reminding me of someone but I'm not quite sure who. When it comes to my mind, I'll let you know. I think Paula just had a shot of something because she's going crazy up there. Kara hopes Michael Jackson is watching this tonight. I'm hoping Michael Jackson didn't invite the neighborhood kids over to his house to watch it. Ew.

Matt-Love-Him: He sings "Human Nature" & plays piano. His voice. Makes me happy. So very happy.

Alexis: She sings "Dirty Diana" & sounds pretty good. There was too much yelling. It feels like I've been saying that a lot about a lot of people lately. Am I just getting old & can't take the noise? How depressing.

I have no idea how many people they will vote off tomorrow night, but if I'm going to make a call (and you know I will), I will say that Jasmine & Wonk-Eye will go.

Seacrest. Out.