Here we go!

Hi y'all! Here we go again, American Idol 2009 kicks it off tonight. This is only my third year of watching American Idol. I wish I could tell you that I have been watching it since the pilot episode and know every single minute that has transpired since the beginning, but hells bells-I just can't tell you that.

So here's how I roll: I watch each episode, tell you who I think is awesome, & tell you who I think completely sucks. There is no rhyme or reason to my rants. So if you agree with what I'm saying & enjoy it, then goody goody gumdrops. If you want to punch me through your computer screen, then off you go.

Here's hoping my words will swaddle you like the baby Jesus. Let's get swingin'!

What better way to start off the show than a montage! The TeamAmerica guys are jumping with glee right about now. I loved how they spotlighted David Cook in this section. God love him. Too bad he & his girlfriend are on the outs.

So we're in Phoenix, Arizona tonight. It was a huge to-do that Kara DioGuardi was the new judge. Duh.
First contestant: Tuan Nguyen. Some dude with an afro wants to be as big as Michael Jackson or Britney Spears. Hmmmm, let's see here...a child molester or a crazed head-shaving lunatic? You're well on your way, Tuan! He even incorporates some tap dancing into his routine, which just makes the audition that much sweeter. Come tap on my eardrums, Tuan. One word: shit.

Emily Hughes: has always been a singer & always been bad at math. She sings Baracuda & kicks some serious A double S. The judges love her & she gets through. And she hasn't yet told her bandmates that she has auditioned. I'll give you an A+ for singing & a D for friendship. Yikesies.

Crybaby Randy/AKA "Rockstar in a Box" (gimme a frickin' break): Sings a BonJovi song "Livin' On a Prayer', & does not WOW me. Simon says it's whimpy (Simon...you & me are meant to be together. Meet me tonight after the show--nobody has to know). Little boy Randy looks like he needs therapy more than an Idol crown. Dry 'em up, bad boy. Randy doesn't take 'whimpy', & he tries it again with a bit more uumpf. It doesn't do the trick. And if that doesn't work, then break out the tears! I'm over it, & I'm over you, Randy. Dunzo. BTW: I'm hating the new judge. Just sayin'.

J.B. Ahfua: Age 16, are you kidding me? His voice is totally kickin' it, & I mean that in a complete high school choir thing. All the judges are YES, & he gets through. He gets emotional with Ryan, & he wants to 'change his family'...I'm sure we'll see a huge spin-off of that in the coming episodes.

Michael Gurr: When I say there are no words, that's what I really mean. Simon says he couldn't understand a word & that he sounded like he was in pain (Simon, seriously...I totally have a crush on you tonight))...So he decides to sing a Kara DioGuardi song. Jackpot! He gets through! And when I say that, I'm totally lying.

Arianna Afsar: 16 years old & is UH-Amazing. She sings "Put Your Records On" & sounds effortlessly good. She acts like she just figured out how to sing & thinks 'what the heck? I'll try it out'...I'm totally into this chick. The judges all like her, & she gets through without a problem.

Leah Marie: She's a crazy fool with a pink cowboy hat on. She says she's a cross between Hillary Duff & Madonna. I don't know if that's good or bad. She's written over 100 original songs. Oh dear, you guys. I'm not sure where to go from here. She brings a 3-ring-binder for Kara DioGuardi, filled with her songs & "IOUs" for Miss DioGuardi. Eek. She's nuthin' good. Her voice is dreadful.

Stevie Wright: A bubbly brunette that was named after Stevie Nicks. Her voice is good, & she's a sweetheart. Randy tells her, "You were born wid it, gurrrl." Nuf said.

Michael Sarver: Has the 5th most dangerous job in the world. His voice is slammin', & sounds like honey. Awesome. Love him. Kinda reminds me of the Allman Brothers (which, BTW, is one of my favorite bands in the world. "Whipping Post" is the ultimate song of my life)

Bikini Girl: She might be the most brilliant girl ever in the history of Idol. She knows what she's doing & she's not afraid to use her assets. When I say assets, I mean boobs & butt. She certainly made herself stand out, & she got the attention of the judges. And her voice wasn't half-bad. Simon immediately said YES (shocker), & Kara seemed annoyed. Oh, Kara...you've got a lot to learn this season. Kara claims that she doesn't have the chops to sing that song (all the while singing it herself...PS-note to Kara--you are a judge, not a contestant. I don't tune in every week to hear you sing...Jealous much??) Probably about 95% of America thought that what Bikini Girl did was inappropriate. Me? I think it's genius. Way to go, girlfriend. Use what the good Lord gave ya!

Sexual Chocolate: He is self-proclaimed as sexual chocolate, which came from a high school phrase. I will not go to this place. He sings a Stevie Wonder song & is horrible. Terrible. Awful. This is all I'm sayin'. Thanks, but no thanks, Sexual.

Brianna: sings "Let's Hear it for the Boy" & I automatically like it because I love the movie "Footloose". She then sings "Killing Me Softly" & doesn't stop when they tell her to. She gets through & the tears flow.

Deanna Brown: My favorite so far. Sweet southerner with an amazing voice. Oh, Kara has been swept up in the incorrect mathematical sayings..."150% Yes." Seriously, Kara? There's no such thing. I'm over you.

Cody Horror-Film-Boy: Didn't love him, but I'll take it. The golden ticket sees him through.

Mold-Man: Studied music in his closet, which apparently had mold in there that caused him to be sick. I will not say anymore than what I've just said. Actually, I will. He's a smart cookie, this Alex. He says to Simon (after Simon tried to make a joke-God bless you, sweet Simon): "That would be a good joke if it made sense." Whoa, Alex! Pulling out the big guns...makes me like you, doood.

Scott-Blind-Singer: He reminds me of Jim Brickman. He's an amazing piano player. He sings "And So it Goes" by Billy Joel. I love his voice. Period. Is it because he's blind? Maybe. Perhaps. I don't know. But I think he's good for one reason or another. Everyone says yes, & sweet Scott gets through. But the best part?!? Ryan trying to give him a high-five. Ryan, you're stupid with a capital S. Dude is blind & you're trying to give him a high-five?! Ben & I re-wound that part about five times. Ben laughed harder than I've heard in a very long time.

Tomorrow night is Kansas City. Better not be Kansas Shitty.
xoxo