Friday, February 27, 2009

Don't hate me.

I know, I know people. I've been out for a while. A long while. But what do you expect from a girl who dropped her laptop down the stairs? Not a lot, I agree. So go ahead & curse me, spit at me, yell at your computer screen, talk to me through the super-highway of communication...I deserve it, plus much more. It's A-OK, my friend. I'll take it all in stride...why, you ask? Because I'm here for you. Only for light your way through this tunnel of darkness we like to call American Idol. So the torch is on fire tonight & I'm ready & willing to let it all go for you, the readers. Give me a shout-out if you're alive out there. Are there any readers?
Let's boogie:

Simon is his usual sweet self to all the nerve-wracked contestants, & says it's too late for advice tonight. What a douche.

Jasmine Murray: What a cutie this girl is. She sings "Love Song" by Sarah & I'm not hugely into it. I like the way Sarah does it...and that's that. I do love Miss Bareilles & I don't want to hear anyone else doing her stuff. But Jasmine is darling & a good singer, so I sat through it with good intentions. Randy says "yo, it's funny to me & weird to me..." Yada yada yada. Kara thought it was all over the place, Paula thought she gave it her all but it made her go off-pitch, & Simon was disappointed.

My Sweetie: I won't say anything to diss on my boy. Sexy. Hot. Nothing else but good. And gooder. He sings a Coldplay song, & he does it up right. He takes a white-boy song & makes it uh-mazing. He added a little bit too many runs in the song, but Kudos! to him for getting out from behind his piano. Kara says the song was all wrong, Paula thought the song was quite risky, Simon thought it was verging on a "horrible performance", & Randy thought he had mad talents, but it just wasn't the right stuff tonight. Boosh.

Naughty-Little-Thing: She sings "This Love" by Maroon Five. Her legs are about a mile high! Wowsa...she sounds OK, but not fantastic. She doesn't sound anywhere near the right key. I mean, seriously...she needs to enroll in Ear Training 101 at Belmont. Ick. Paula says she has great legs, Simon says it was horrible (I totally agree, S) Randy thought the best part was the end of the song. That's harsh.

Norman Gentle: There is a fine line that is cropping up with me & American Idol. This fine line finds itself right between quippy contestants who don't have a chance, & downright ridiculousness. The line I speak of is teetering heavily towards the latter. I almost had to break up with this American Idol blog post because of what I am watching. But then I realized that a divorce was a bit harsh...I can continue, but know that I am so annoyed with Norman/Nick/whoever he decides to be. I will not comment on this man's performance. Two Words: OFF. BROADWAY.

Allison: Please do not do a Heart song. Carrie Underwood is the only Idol that has done it justice since the original singer. Dunzo. Randy thoght she "blew it out the box..." I don't agree. Paula says she could sing the telephone book. We've heard that joke for the past 5 years, Paula. I think it's time to get some new material. Simon says she is the best tonight by a clear mile...I don't think she was that good to write home about. Am I the only one? Do tell.

OhDearGodWhyAreYouDoingThisSong: I don't know his name, but I don't think I really need to. He sings Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson. I don't think he's great. Kara's not impressed & thought it was the wrong song, Paula thinks he showed his personality & he nailed it, Simon agreed with Paula, & Randy thought he did well without the guitar tonight. Nice jump-off, Baby. Baby you, Baby.

Long-Haired-Red-Head: LOVE her. She sings "Put Your Records On" & does awesome. Simon calls her a "funny little thing"...cute. She's a great singer & really pretty. I think she rocked it. Randy calls her "drop dead." Kara calls her a package artist. I agree.

Matt-the-Welder: This guys is in love with his family & wants to do everything he can to better his life. I hated his song choice, & thought he sounded like a karaoke singer, straight up. I'm sleeping, now I'm snoring, now I'm in a deep REM cycle.

Jessie: What a little firecracker! She said, "Oh, you're talking crap!? I'm in!" I like this girl already. She has on a really cute one-shouldered sweater tonight. I feel like she's trying to manipulate her voice to make it sound like someone else entirely. I thought she was really pitchy throughout the whole thing, though. I'm not thinking this song is doing her voice any justice whatsoever. Randy wanted her to "blow us out DA box"...and she didn't do it. Randy's still in da-box, I guess.

Ky-I-Have-A-Perm: I think this guy is really good-lookin' & is easy to watch. I hated his song choice, though...he sings "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted". He does way too much growling for my taste. Ew. Simon thought it was corny & old-fashioned. He also says he'd be a good back-up singer. Ha, you make me laugh out loud, Mr. Cowell.

Jet-Black-Hair-Meeshavonna: Sings a Train song "Drops of Jupiter", & kinda gives it a soulful R&B groove. I'm liking it lots. Does anyone else think that she's got a pig nose? It turns up, oink oink. None of the judges were impressed. And to make matters worse, Simon says she acts like a 50-year old. Awwww, Simon, you're sweet.

Adam Lambert: I will now refer to Adam as "Musical Theater Man". He sings The Rolling Stones "Satisfaction", & from the first guitar chord, I'm grossed out. He is grunting & moaning, & making weird faces at the camera. So weird, in fact, that I feel the need to turn my head away. You wanna see a karaoke song right before your very eyes? Well, watch Adam's performance & you just walked yourself right into one. Musical Theater Man wailed so much that he wailed my vote away. Far far away from anywhere in his vicinity. Does anyone need to be screamed at relentlessly? Well, you're in luck tonight!

Before I get to the Results portion, I want to tell y'all my take on the whole 4-judges thing that's going on. I still don't feel like Kara's opinion matters as much as the original 3. Whenever she talks, I just throw it out the window. Is that bad? I just view her as a guest-judge, no matter how many comments she makes about the contestants. And, I feel that after 3 judges have commented, the fourth judge (no matter who it is) tends to agree with everyone else & not have their own opinion...I'm not a fan of the 4-judge system. Give me the old school program or give me death...

Results Night was fun for me, b/c I love Neyo & I enjoyed the "Closer" group number. I'm confused at who Norman is...anybody got a guess?

I don't know much you guys, but I do feel like Allison looks like she's wearing a polka-dotted bikini over her black dress. I don't like this look. It's way too teeny-boppy. Or maybe I'm just getting old. She makes it into the Top 12. And so she sings again?? I hate this format, folks. But I did like her Heart song a little bit more than the previous night. I kinda like her edge. We'll see how far we get.

The next contestant to get through is Kris Allen. He looks shocked & can barely contain himself. I don't see how he got through, & I don't think he'll get through many more weeks. I hated his performance, personally. But evidently, I'm in the minority.

Then Brooke White comes out & does a song on the piano. Her single came out Tuesday & so she promotes it on the old stage of hers last season. I can totally hear the song on Mix 92.9.

It comes between Adam & Nick. America has spoken, & Nick is NOT through to the Top 12. Adam gets in & seems very at-ease & 'of course I got in, duh...'. He sticks out his tongue so far when he hits his high notes. Double Ew.

You scream, we all scream, Adam screams incessantly...make it end. Do you think Mick Jagger likes his rendition? Hhmmmm...

OK, that's it for now. Apologies again for the delay in the posts. One more thing: has anyone seen the cover of Shape magazine with Julia Louis Dreyfus on the cover? OMG, there's one more reason to love that girl. 48 & she looks like that?!? Smokin' hot, girlfriend. "New Christine" is one of my faves, and now knowing that she's so healthy & fit makes me love her even more. I hope I look half as good as she does at that age. I need to keep on doing my Zumba!
Ta-Ta for nowsies,

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Lindsay Schneck said...

I may have abandoned Idol this season, but I will never abandon "The Low Down." Holla.

Christina said...

Thank you oh Idol-master-Ro for delivering what I soooo needed and craved. whew. I feel so much better. Love the clarification of all of these exact feelings and thoughts of this ridiculous show.

Now I must echo your extreme distaste for the 4 judge thing. What are they thinking?! It was already getting borderline boring with just the 3 of them commenting. Now with what's-her-smirkness chiming in, the show is D-R-A-G-G-I-N-G... I'm so annoyed. And does anyone else feel that Ryan is just "off" this year? Everytime he speaks, everyone is like, "huh?"

Christina said...
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