awakening

I have been in a spiritual desert lately. Desert, without a drop to drink. Parched & dry. Longing for water, yet nothing comes my way. I have longed to pursue Jesus in the past few months, but with every scripture I read, nothing inside me moves; nothing inside me changes or even desires to change. I have felt the Enemy nip at my feet with every step, coupling my doubt & anxiety amidst the holidays & good cheer. It has crippled my spirit, & made me sad much of the time.

You see, I have a fear. A constant fear, if you will...about 8 years old now. A fear that Ben & the boys will be taken from me, & I will be left here. Left here without them, & only me. This began when I started dating Ben, & has fluctuated with each year. When I had Lincoln, it developed into something bigger. I wasn't dealing with one fear, but two. And two big ones. Then with Levi's arrival, I was faced with the trio. I feared that my boys would be taken from me all at once & I would be nothing but a childless mother & a husband-less wife. Uplifting, I know.

All through these years of struggle, I have known that this is the Enemy's work, one not of my own; but of Satan attempting to steal my joy, only to replace it with doubt, fear & anxiety for my loved ones' well-being. I have prayed against it, willed against it, read scripture through it, done bible studies on it, & cried through it countless times.

On Saturday, as Ben was packing up to travel to Boone, North Carolina with two Rocketown teenagers, I kept debating whether or not to go to church by myself with the boys. It's a lot of work to go to church with the 2 of them, just me, without Ben. Lots of gear, directions for the childcare team, sippy cups, diapers, wipes, whathaveyou. I woke up yesterday morning with a feeling of near dread...knowing I should go, but just not wanting to go through the 'trouble'. I ended up going, & I feel for certain that this was the work of the Holy Spirit. I had called Ben to see what he thought about me going by myself (and under any other circumstance, he would've said something like, 'Don't worry about it--Just keep the boys at home & we'll go next week as a family...'), but yesterday when I asked him, he replied with special emphasis: "Rhondi, just take the boys and go. You need to be there. Just make yourself go & go." Well, that did it. I had no other excuse now. Ben was usually my built-in...but now he had just screwed it all up.

I know this is a ridiculously long build-up to my point in all this, but my simple point is this: God is faithful. We sang the old hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness" at church, & I felt God's faithfulness nearer than the clothes on my arms, and the breath on my face.

"Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me..."

Whether I feel his mercies are new every morning or not...they are still new. Whether I feel He has provided everything to me or He hasn't...He still has. These truths are just that--truths. I know that Satan has a foothold in my life. This foothold lies in the fear that Ben & the boys will be taken. Even still...God is faithful. His mercies are brand new with each morning, & I can set my feet upon this rock of truth. He is faithful, while knowing I doubt His faithfulness. He is steadfast, while knowing I doubt His steadfastness. He is sovereign, while knowing I doubt His sovereignty. Praise God for a Savior such as this. Jesus worked on my heart yesterday morning at church while I worshiped, pulling me back to Him once again. Though I have (and we all have, I presume) a weakness for something the Devil himself has a hold on, God's faithfulness is that much bigger...that much stronger still. Am I afraid that the ones I love will die? Of course. Am I scared that I will be left alone for the latter days of my life? Yes sir, without a question. But wow. Wow that God is stronger than such anxious thoughts, such doubt, such fright, such 'maybe-sadness'. I left with a peace yesterday that felt renewing...a peace that cannot be, nor ever can be quenched by the Enemy. Jesus is my Sustainer, Jesus is my Peace, Jesus is my. The sentence can end just like that, I believe. Having such months of dryness & emptiness makes that morning's worship that much sweeter.
Great is Thy Faithfulness...I am awakened.
Blessed Be Your Name, Savior.

Did somebody call for a doctor?!?

If so, then great! Because Dr. Lincoln is in the HIZZZ-ouse... We had a very merry and bright Christmas in St. Louis with Ben's family, & Lincoln & Levi got some very cool presents (including a doctor's kit) from good ole' St. Nick. He's a funny guy, that Santa. I kinda have a crush on him.

It was downright frosty in St. Louis, so we spent all of our days indoors playing. I can't remember posting about this before, but Ben's parents may be living in the best home for children in the history of all things historical. They have a HUGE basement (pinball machine, Super Mario Bros. machine, pool table, big screen TV, etc.) filled with Hot Wheels, Little People toys, trains, planes, automobiles, and a real live-in clown who is on staff 24 hours a day to entertain anyone & everyone. (OK, kidding about that last part)

So all of that PLUS 3 nephews & 1 neice makes for a very active & fun-filled week! Of course, I had very little time to get out the camera & start snapping photos, but the times that I did--were well-received & fruitful. I will click as I see fit.

Let's get a kick to it:

A doctor's kit had been on Linc's List for quite some time. And when he saw it, he went bananas. He opened it right up & said, "I think you're sick, Momma!". Here he is taking my blood pressure:



Giving me a shot...



The doctor in deep concentration (BTW, he can't be "Dr. Lincoln" unless he has his blue glasses on):



Another one of Lincoln's favorite toys was Marble Run: (which, incidentally, was a favorite of Ben's when he was 3)



His top-notch present from Mimi & Papa (my parents) was a digital camera. Not 5 minutes had passed after he had opened up the camera, than the camera was full with pictures & needed to be uploaded to the computer:



BUT...not to be outdone by his little brother, Mr. MacDaddy Himself. (I can't get enough of this guy):



Levi & his cousin Mitchell got some serious face & cuddle time during the time we were there. Mitchell is amazing with kids, so he was on-hand whenever we needed some extra help with Levi. Levi just loves Mitch to pieces, & so is the same with Mitch. Here the sweet boys are (Mitch is 13):



Here L-Train is with his walker from Gigi (his great-grandma):



Levi & Gigi (Levi McLain is her namesake):



Lincoln cracking Levi up:



Ben with Shrek ears on...and Levi thinking it was the most hilarious thing ever:





We're trying to teach Linc how to ride a bike, so the big present of Christmas morning was a Spiderman bike. More than the desire for the bike, however, was Linc's desire for a bike bell & a bike horn...both of which were promptly put on the bike by Ben on Christmas Eve. Lincoln loved it all, & we even rode the bike on the tennis courts by Ben's parent's house later on in the afternoon:




Levi with Great-Grandpa Seabaugh:



Levi with sweet MeMaw & PawPaw:



I will leave you with the sweetest face in the world. This is what I get to wake up to every morning. My darling Levi:



We had an amazing Christmas filled with family, joy & laughter. The boys had a wonderful time, & we had a great time visiting with all of our sweet relatives.

I pray that your Christmases were bright, & may your New Year be full of love & joy.
May you experience the peace & hope that Jesus the Savior brings.
xoxo

lookey here

I'm trying to improve my photography skills...like possibly being able to take a picture of both boys with their heads in the same frame & maybe a smile out of one. It's not going so well. Levi's pretty easy to get a smile out of , but to get both of them smiling is a joke. Here are a few that I have taken the past couple days hoping something would turn out:

this was the best one I could get:


here's me trying to take a self-portrait of the three of us...Levi won't take part in this charade (Linc isn't too thrilled either, for that matter).


a cute contemplative christmas boy:


levi wanting to take the camera from momma:


already wanting to leave us:


Then, this morning, Ben & Linc went out in our backyard to go sledding down our hill with some of the other neighborhood kids. Here they are having fun:







Take a look at the trees in our backyard. It's so pretty with all the snow.




Happy Snow Day,

January 13 & 14...You know you're gonna watch it.

American Idol Season 8 premieres January 13 & 14. A new girl, Kara DioGuardi (as I'm sure you all have heard in the past few months--and hello!--she sure takes a swift kick to Paula's teeth in the looks department...just sayin), has joined in on all of the judging fun. You know exactly what this means, America: Someone new to make fun of! If you happen to be a new reader of this blog, or maybe have only read posts of mine that have not been during the Idol season, then I will apologize right now. You may need to reconsider your viewing of Camp Cissell. During Idol season, I tend to go a little overboard. And when I say overboard, what I really mean is I watch every single episode & just make fun of people. It's what I do, you can't change it. So if you're up to it, then let's have some fun this season! I'm hoping for an all-emotional breakdown from Paula, a bitter & angry Simon from his break-up with his girlfriend of 6 years, & a washed-up Randy who keeps trying to live in his glory days. Wheee!!