This week marked my being pregnant six months. It has gone by so fast this time around. With Lincoln, every month seemed like an eternity. Now, I suppose I'm too busy chasing after Lincoln, sweating, & breathing heavily after climbing one flight of stairs to even count the days or months of this pregnancy. There's something freeing about looking down at my calendar & saying, "Wow! I'm 6 months pregnant already!" With that freeing sensation & feeling, there also comes a somewhat surprising emotion I am also feeling these days. It rose upon me today in the car while driving Lincoln home from school: Grief. I am grievous that my time with Lincoln, just the 2 of us, day in and day out, is narrowing to a close. It brought me to tears this afternoon when I thought that no longer will I be looking back in the van to just one sweet boy anymore. How do I have room in my heart to love another when my first love, Lincoln, takes up every piece of space & time? Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be having another darling boy in our family (and I know Ben can second that) & cannot wait to kiss him & call him by name. This new son calls for more room in my heart, more space in my spirit, more love in my arms, & more tears on my face. How can this be? I so easily forget that I am not the one who can provide more, more, more, but Jesus Christ himself. The pendulum swings wide & far of His love for His own. The psalmist says, "You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound." I feel that Lincoln is the beginning of our grain and new wine...baby Levi is the greater joy that is added to our bounty. So my prayers these next few months will be just what the psalmist claims. Fill my heart with greater joy, Lord.
