Going to the Big D (and I do mean Dallas)

The Lone Star State is in the spotlight tonight. The show starts off with a girl who gives birth at Texas Stadium during auditions. And she ends up naming her little girl "Idol". There are no words. Some people have no radar for the socially acceptable. Let's get to it:

--Jessica Brown, AKA Crystal-Meth-Girl: Aside from the fact that she's a spitting image of Debbie Gibson, her story kinda made me a little weepy. OK call me pathetic. I prefer to call myself a hormonal trainwreck. I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant...cut me some slack here. But when she came out of the audition room with her golden ticket & her sweet parents were there holding her daughter, it was pretty cool. Her smiling & excited dad made me tear up, I think.
--Paul, the baseball-ground-crew-maintenance-guy: In the words of my wise husband Ben: "I have one word for Paul: Pal--Sy." Give it a minute; it'll sink in soon.
--Beth: She is a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant. Please, God in Heaven, let me always remember NEVER to go to a fondue restaurant anywhere in Texas.
--Alaina Whitaker, AKA Carrie Underwood: She kicked it, & I loved the fact that she did a song written by Hilary Lindsey. God love her. She passes on through.
--Bruce-crazy-necklace-guy: I don't know where to start. He's clearly the biggest fan of the wildly popular but ever ridiculous book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" & has a freakishly creepy relationship with his dad. His dad wears the heart around his neck & the son wears the key? The dad eventually gives the heart to his son's new wife?...I'm lost, & I kinda prefer it that way.
--Pia "Zpia": The back-up singer makes it through...gee, I hope she has a career to fall back on if this doesn't pan out.
--Brandon: This guy keeps his fingernails in a ziplok bag in his back pocket. That is so sick I might vomit. What's even sicker is the fact that he advertises this on national television. If he keeps fingernails for 7 years, what else is he keeping? Totally creepy. He gets through, much to Simon's dismay. And Ryan, oh Ryan, says "he nailed his audition & it's in the bag..." You & your obscenely white teeth keep me in stitches.
--Kayla-Car-Wreck: My throat hurts after listening to her. Her audition was so throaty it sounded like sandpaper...Simon says YES??!! Did my TV set just break? Nope, that was what he said. Welcome to Hollywood, Crazy Cat Kayla. Nobody is more shocked than Randy.
--Kady Maloy: Darn it if she doesn't sound exactly like Brit-Brit. Thank God she wears underwear. When she finally sounded like herself, it was really good! And what a darlin! Simon created quite the stir when he called her out to be the best he's heard so far.
--Douglas Davidson: He sweats profusely & does "Livin on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. I'm not living on a prayer; instead, I'm living on a curse after listening to that racket. I'm going to echo exactly what Simon said: What the bloody hell was that? He mentioned something about his fear of permanently damaging his voice. My prayer in this moment is that he does just that. PERMANENTLY. FOREVER. FOR ETERNITY.
--Angela Riley, AKA I-Just-got-married-to-a-Model: Is Angela auditioning or is her husband Chad auditioning? Ya know where she belongs? A cruise called The Love Boat. No golden ticket for you.
--Kyle the Politician: He needs to couple up with the crazy loon from last night who also gave a political/victorious speech. He attempts a Queen song...who attempts Queen??!! Come on Kyle, get your head out of god-knows-where. Simon is really throwing me for a loop tonight y'all. I can't believe he said yes. And Paula!? Have another, dear. This is getting borderline ridiculous...they're letting really bad people through tonight.
--Asleep-While-Awake-Girl: She sings The Power of Love by Celine Dion. Is she even awake at all? I mean, I'm almost dead watching her. I can feel my pulse slowing down to just a crawl. Get some personality girlfriend. There needs to be a big fat HUGE sign in front of every city where they hold auditions that nobody should be allowed to sing Christina, Mariah, Celine, or Kelly. Surprisingly! she doesn't get through.
--Farmer Drew Mississippi: Did a George Straight ditty. I'm gonna go out on a limb & say that he will make it through the first few rounds, they'll totally change his look, & he'll be the next Clay Aiken. Without the gayness.
--Eyeliner-Kyle: Someone needs to contact the Indiana Board of Education pronto. He does not need to be teaching children. Much less singing to them.

I will not give any time whatsoever to the poor soul in white. That's all he is. A poor soul.

Dismal Dallas anyone? I was kinda disappointed, & it takes a lot for me to say this considering this is where I'm from. But I was not impressed at all with its talent. Here's hoping that next week proves to be better.

I am your brother,